Lately, I've been feeling melancholic. Anxious. Worn down.
This summer proved to be a big and busy one, full of personal risks, multiple projects, and lots of work.
Sometimes, that can mean that I'm tired, overwhelmed, raw, scared, discouraged.
Other times, it means that I'm getting a ton done. I've learned that the busier I am, the more I get done. And there's something so satifying about that (Although, there's a definite threshold to that equation)
This may have something to do with my birthday coming up at the end of August. I feel like I have less to show for myself than I did three years ago. Less money in the bank. A totally unglamorous day job. Struggle to find a job. More pounds on the scale. Is this what getting old is like?
Here's what I have learned though and what I've gained with age. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I know more of what I want, what I don't want, and what to do about either. I know who I am spiritually and my spiritual life nourishes me. I move towards freedom and life. I have more direction in my life. I've explored my various interests and discerned the better of them. I have more inner strength and conviction. I'm less swayed by what others think. I've learned to accept my emotions. I'm less afraid and more courageous. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm more open to the universe, to God, to possibility. I've gained wisdom on the role of suffering in my life. I've learned to say yes to my heart and fallen more deeply in love with people and life. I've learned to receive love more deeply in all the ways it comes to me.
What I've gained also means that I feel more deeply and suffer more deeply. Apparently that is the more authentic way. The way that leads to more love, compassion, and freedom. Sometimes, I'd rather not feel things so keenly. I'd rather be shallow and flit past things without being affected at all. I'm still learning.