Week 3

Week 3 sounds so docile and meek, like it happened quickly and in the blink of an eye.  But Week 3 in Ignatian 9 Month Retreat speak means four weeks of contemplating the suffering and death of Jesus Christ.

I know, yikes!

Yesterday, I finished the last week of Week 3, and I experienced a passing through and growth in my self and in wisdom. 

Week 3 was tough.  Mary, my spiritual director, mentioned that most people experience fatigue at this point.  I've been experiencing fatigue throughout this retreat so it was nothing new.  But the thing that I was unprepared for was the depth of mourning and grieving I would do for the suffering I had experienced in my past and present life.


I've been learning a lot about suffering--the nature of suffering, what suffering does to us, the gift of suffering, how to experience suffering.  I know it's not a light topic, and it probably seems odd  for someone in their 20s to be thinking so much about suffering.  But it's so human--our need to understand and find a way through our pain.  It doesn't seem odd to me.  Although I didn't expect to learn so much about suffering in this retreat, in a way, it was what I needed all along.  I needed answers and a space to mourn; I needed a way to deal and live.  I needed the space to find my self and honor it.

Some of the wisdom I've gained/others that have been reaffirmed:
- Experiencing our own suffering with more depth and honesty allows us to be more fully human.
- God never wants us to suffer.  God wants us to be deeply alive.
- Stop the pretending; the energy poured into making something work.  Trust your restlessness, your need for something more.
- Suffering happens.  Most of the time, there is no explanation.  It's not rational.
- Our essential needs, the things that make us desire to really live, need to be honored above all else.
- My reactions are not your reactions.  Your reactions are not my reactions.  I don't ever need to compare my reaction to yours and wonder if it's "right."  If it doesn't feel right for me, it's not right.

Peace to my readers.  Thank you for sharing in my journey.

The 9 month Ignatian Retreat is Over! Kind of

 {spritz & crisps in Venice, Italy}

Last night marked my last group meeting for my 9 month Ignatian Retreat.  It's not over for me completely--I missed several weeks throughout the retreat so I have more to go before I finish the exercises.  I'll continue to meet with my spiritual director until I'm done.

But still, I feel an immense sense of accomplishment, a kind of passing through.  A big milestone!  J. was an absolute doll and surprised me with Campari mixers and recreated the Venetian Spritz aperitivo that I adored so much in Venice.  We toasted to the end of my 9 months and chatted about the meeting.

On Suffering and Breaking Through

{the skies above rome, italy}

Since my adolescence, I've had a troubled relationship with the nature of suffering, but it was certainly nothing compared with the extreme stint I experienced after graduating from college.

On Spirituality & Being Episcopalian

reflections of a very non-dogmatic sort

Yesterday, I drove to Oceanside to meet up with a new and good friend, Karen, who lives in San Diego.  I met Karen a few weeks ago on my UN trip and quickly connected with her.  During our conversation over Thai food, Karen said, "You're one of the most spiritual people I know.  I could tell as soon as I met you."

I was dumbfounded.  First of all, I wasn't sure if I had heard her correctly.  Did she really just say that?  And if so, why?  What does it even mean to be a "spiritual" person?

I drove home up the 5 thinking about this and asked J. when I got in.  He said, "It means that you're willing to make everyday decisions that enrich and reward your spirituality."

I pressed him.  How did he define spirituality?  J. answered by saying what it was not, "It's not religion, it's spiritual.  It's private, it's personal, and yet it's not just personal or private.  It's something other than.  It's something more."

I felt where he was going with it even though it was vague.  Spirituality, spirit--it's hard to define or explain in concrete terms.  Half the time, I don't even know what I mean.  But if pressed, I would say that it's a deeply enriching search for meaning and the experience of meaning making, encounters with a deep true self and of the divine that is consistent with reality and relationships with others.